Wednesday, February 9, 2011

[gnawing]

At first I thought I was going to write a post about guilt, and then I looked it up. Guilt was the wrong word, I didn't do anything wrong, but the definition only seemed to imply wrongdoing. So I looked for synonyms and their meanings, and realized this post is actually about remorse.

If you would have asked me to sum up my feelings a few years ago amongst other things, anxiety would have been high on the list. I’ve always been a bit of an anxious person, getting worse in college and coming to a head during wedding planning. I was even having anxiety attacks, unable to breath, freaking out, full blow anxiety attacks. So, I overcame the horrible feeling of embarrassment and got help. Feeling ridiculous, I went to the doctor and got medicine. It helps, it really does. Although I still feel like I’m being a baby and I should suck it up. Very few people that I know in real life know that I take medication for anxiety, because I feel like a mental case if I tell them. But, call me whatever, it helps.

Lately though, if I had to choose one word to describe my feelings, it would be remorse. No, not buyers remorse [I think my husband wishes it was that!] but I just feel guilty all of the time. Literally all.of.the.time. Sometimes for big things, most times for the small stuff. The definition from merriam-webster.com hit the nail on the head. [gnawing] that’s exactly what I feel. For not staying up late enough, for not wanting to workout, for not seeing my family enough, for not returning calls/texts/emails, for nagging on my husband, for spending money on wants when so many others can’t even buy needs, for not cooking dinner for my husband, for gaining weight, for not feeling ready to start a family even though my husband is begging, for making little issues bigger than they need to be, for ending relationships with friends, for wanting a house when I have a nice condo, for not running far enough or fast enough…it goes on and on.

Don’t get me wrong, I know we all have questions running through our head. Am I trying hard enough to have a relationship with my inlaws? Is it a big deal if the car is dirty? Does it matter if I sit and read this book for a few hours and let the laundry wait? And I know people will always compare themselves to others; whether it be the size of the house, the ability to stay home with their children, the number of vacations you take, or even how skinny the neighbor with 5 kids is. And I am happy, truly, honestly, whole-heartedly HAPPY with my life. I have an amazing husband, an adorable dog, the most supportive and caring family in the world, a job I enjoy, friends to call, we love life & explore when we want to, but I can’t help but wonder if this is normal? Does the gnawing ever go away?

5 comments:

  1. Oh, I wish I was there to give you a big hug. My hubby takes medicine for anxiety, there is no shame in that. Much better to be strong and take the steps you need to to control it than to let it rule your life, eventually dictating what you will and will not do.

    I think the same is true for the guilt/worry/gnawing. It depends on how much it's controlling your life. Everyone questions. I know I feel tremendous worry, conflict over some choices we've made, over some hands we've been dealt, but for the most part, it doesn't paralyze me. You are young! I know and understand the pressure to move on, to do things in life on a certain schedule, but please believe me, you have time.

    Try to breathe, seriously. To forgive yourself. To be patient with yourself. You are amazing, and what you do is good enough. There is no magical person out there who does everything perfectly--truly, it just doesn't exist and the more you beat yourself up, the harder time you will have doing anything.

    xoxo

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  2. I couldn't say it any better than Mom24.

    I take medication for anxiety too. Actually..I just started a few months ago...and it has changed my life. I wish I would have made that step a long time ago. So don't feel bad about it, there are more people on medication than not...you'd be surprised.


    {{{HUGS}}}

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  3. Gotta agree with Mom24. From what I know of you, you're a great person with a really fun life! I think you're putting too much pressure on yourself.

    Focus on relationships and making memories. Realize that material things won't make you happier (I'm happier with my $25 cell phone than all my friends are with their Blackberries). Enjoy every minute because you have a great life!!

    If this is really taking over your life, I think you might want to get some help. The American Dream can cause a lot of anxiety from pressure and trying to keep up with the Joneses. DOn't get sucked into it too much.

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  4. Just a big virtual hug coming your way!

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  5. So...I'm behind in my blog reading and just reading this.

    But I feel the same way.

    Guilt about not spending enough time with my kids. Not accomplishing enough. Spending to much time focusing on myself and on and on.

    ReplyDelete

Thanks for taking the time to read some of our story & especially for commenting!

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